Low Self-Esteem

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Tonight was the night.

A feeling was encouraging Niki to be next to him. It pushed her to make rounds, be loud and be crazy. That feeling was never a sturdy esctacy. Most of the time, it was a potent mixture of bitter bile that heavily weighed in her chest. It bothered her too much to be happy.

But, not tonight. Tonight, she was about to make a change. Tonight, that very miserable feeling will permanently become an exhalirating state of run arounds, girl bonding, best outfits and praises of popularity. Her girls will no longer give her belittleng comments. Her clique will no longer throw condascending looks. They will no longer blurt out harsh rejection.

Her eyes were fixiated on him. He licked his lips as she came closer. He coaxed and lounged on his side. He anticipated in hooded lustful eyes.

Her friends watched from afar. They gave her mocked encouraging stares. They were too giddy to get this part over with. For them, this was not the highlight of the show, anyway.

When she came near, she brushed her fingers on his shoulders. She day dreamed her walk of fame tomorrow down their school halls as she looked into his eyes. She pictured her girls were squealing with excitement because they CANNOT believe the crazy thing she just did last night. They’d gawk at her cool outfit. They’d praise her for getting the guy.

She raised her skirt while she glimpsed at her friends, making sure their watching. They giggled, in reply. For her, the night was turning into an exciting intoxicated memory. A misdirected courage was running through her blood stream. She smiled then leaned closer to him. He instantly grabbed him by her rear, sucking her face. After that, everything became a too disoriented sexual session for her to keep with.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

She woke up in his bed naked. She panicked because: (1) she didn’t plan on going this far and (2) she was then a virgin. She checked her phone for the time. Then, she checked her IG and Facebook out of routine.

The horrid pictures of herself gave her a state of shock. It was splashed all over her profile for everyone to see. The shamelessness. The vulgarity. The disgust. The graphic sexual torture. Her girls’ satisfied snickers in the pictures. Everyone elses’ hammered/sober dissaprovign stares. The harsh reality.

Her hands shook. She was too embarrassed to get out from a stranger’s bed. The feeling that had drove her to do such things now turned into a pang of pain too agonizing to bare. She sobbed as her complexion became pale. She was shivering. It was all too much to take in. She needed her mother but how could anyone comfort her now. How could anyone come near her.

Her chest heaved grasping for air. She curled up into a ball. She rocked back and forth as she tried to understand why they would do this to her. She wanted to understand what was going on. Everything was too traumatic and too confusing. She wanted it all to go away. She wanted to shut her emotions. To stay still and take it all back. But the pain pierced through her chest like stabbing knives tearing her flesh. And she didn’t have the dignity to remove it. Out of guilt or shame, a strong desire crawled into her thoughts. At this very desperate state, this desire seemed like the only way to stop this pain. To prevent her from facing the world.

It seemed, she thought as she heavily sobbed and shivered, that death was the only way. It was the only way.. She thought. It was the only way. How could anyone recover from this. How could they.. How could they..

She looked around, trying to find anything to stop the stabbing pain in her chest that seared into her being. There was no point anymore. Nothing was left. Nothing. She mustered the strength to walk towards the bathroom, still sobbing.

Then, her mom called.

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