I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of the things it can hide. I’m afraid to face any unknown that lurk in it. I haven’t gone beyond any form of fear I can’t tolerate. Every time I need to confront a noise or possibly a bizarre appearance, I always shut my eyes till it goes away.
I hate that feeling of pain that comes with sadness. It’s a rabbit hole I never go down. A down ward spiral of misery, numbness and hopelessness, they would say. A state that could draw out any light or happiness from someone’s fragile beating heart. Down, down, down, it would go. But I would always stop myself. When my father died and that feeling started to creep on me, I ran till my lungs burn. I laughed until I forgot what happened.
I had never experienced too much happiness. I couldn’t figure out what would make someone divinely blissful, anyway. I couldn’t imagine what my state would be after I am too elated. I had no idea what will make of me after my heart burst of over joy.
I was safe within the confinements of my boundaries. I was in control with what I felt.
Until I met you.
I was in a party, lightly buzzed. When I was about to start my internal debate of whether I had pushed myself too far, you came into view and started a conversation. I looked up to into your eyes and I wanted to turn the other way and run. The sensation that you ignited within me was beyond tolerable. A mixture of fear, anxiety and curiosity, almost convulsed from my beating heart. You had to understand. I had all my emotions controlled before I saw you. Before I looked into your eyes.
Your eyes… Your eyes…
1 year, 3 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 2 hours later: you had me at your disposal. In your hand was my heart, beating but.. about to be broken.
I forgot all my efforts to stay away from anything I was afraid of while I was with you. I forgot to keep my walls up. I forgot to be bounded within my confinements. I forgot I didn’t want to know how it feels to die.
And not just a little.. A life changing, wrenching, soul numbing death. I didn’t knew I had it coming.
I looked you in the eye. Your tear-soaked eyes. You were shivering . You’re breathe were short, rough as if gasping for life. You then looked unto your hand where my heart was. Beating. Slowly and heavily.
You closed your palms and crushed it.