Random Thoughts on Existence


I could never muster enough courage to resolve my confusion. Maybe, I enjoy the chaos so much. Because just when I find my resolution, I bounce back to my old habit. I know how time is wasted with this unnecessary struggle. If I was wiser, I bet I’ve skipped steps knowing I don’t need to take them. But I am who I am and I want everything to make sense and sink in. I want things to flow as it is. Never forced. Never slacked. I hope I’m wise enough to just listen to my intuition then follow it. But since up until now, I haven’t defined my necessary evils so my best bet is to just pay close attention. And to be able to closely listen to my intuition, worrying is needed. It is the only drive that’s effective enough to stir me to the right direction IF allocated to the right attention. It is the very trait that could muster so much dedication from a person to a point that it is obsessive. It can filter thoughts or voices a person thinks it doesn’t need to hear. Worrying, instead of being a catalyst to procrastinating,  can be productive if we worry that we might not be hearing the right voice ( our intuition or God).


Existence: Why is it so important to solve it’s puzzle? What is it’s meaning, anyway? Why do we only believe that we have truly existed if we have found true happiness? Why is the meaning of our existence limited to a certain emotional state? What if we are meant to be sad sometimes? What if we are meant to be angry at times? Be hungry? Fuck up? Get lost and then find our way back? Or what if.. we just exist because we need to exist and just that.


My heart is enveloped in a painful sear caused by confusing things I have yet to resolve but failed because I’m not their yet. Or because I don’t want to right now. Or because at that moment, it made sense but now it doesn’t. But it is true that, reason calms the storm within us. Maybe, there is so much I need to understand. Or feel. Or recognize. Or accept. Or be grateful of. But I’m a learner. And I value myself enough that I strive hard to calm my waters. I intend not to be trapped in a loop of masochistic pleasure by settling for less. I intend to treat myself of a level I KNOW it deserves. It is with this internal dedication that a type of love will be formed. And this love, I am sure,  will be pure. It will be strong. It will be definite.  


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