Mistake

mistakes

 

The ripples of this catastrophe
It is here and there
In a mundane moment,
It is suddenly everywhere

In circles at times I go
In doubt I dwell
Forgive me for my sins
But I condemned who has sinned against me as well

For what is was; for what we have done
May I gently let go; accept what is to come
The scars are there, I must admit
The pain I caused, I must concede

At this point; I must make a choice
To what I should remember it by
Should I focus on the lesson?
Or torture myself with the haunting question: why?

“James 3:2, Indeed we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.

 

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Red Flags and Warning Signs

 

You saw it, didn’t you? A flash of caution that your gut is telling: “Run away”. But another feeling was clogging your better judgement. You were drowning in misery, overwhelmed with loneliness, your foot on the accelerator, going fast into your rabbit whole. Down. Down. Down. And you thought he was an escape? A temporary distraction? A companion? Or maybe.. possibly, a solution? No. No. Just runaway.

A cue to that pattern, a destructive mindset reawaken. An addict had a taste of heroine: dangerous, contradicting and wrong. A trepidation of such behavior had set a part of you to change. Because that small voice knows better. That tiny spark that you are sadly ignoring. You don’t know what you want. You don’t know what you deserve. Just runaway. Decide later, run away.

Don’t be a cautionary tale. Walk away. You saw it. Run. Go. But… you are now here. His face in your hands. Your lips almost touching. You delve in. With all your angst, your loneliness, your pain: you delve in. You let the toxin spread all over your body, controlling you.

…………………………..

So.. was it all worth it? Being taken over? How does it feel after the rush? It’s unbelievable, right? You have never thought you could go this low until today. You never imagined you would feel this pain until you lie there helplessly, wishing death will come. But.. Possibly.. In all this chaos, for a minute.. Even for a minute.. have you ever thought if you deserve going through this?  Should it go this far?

Self, Red Flags and Warning signs. Runaway. Runaway.

Hook

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source: tumblr

The dysfunctional amongst us has a monster inside.We have a kryptonite; an addiction; a hook. We get drunk in loathing; anger; pain; lust; doubt;  fear and all sorts of toxins inside us.

We may deny or knowingly define ourselves with what this hook dictates. We may unconsciously follow that pattern again, do that unwanted bad habit, start that uncalled for vice. But, my friend, it is incredibly unfair to allow yourself to be crippled. It is unfair to settle for what was a result of an overwhelming damage.

Heal my friend. God did not create us in this world to scratch an itch or intoxicate ourselves with anger.

He knows that we are strong enough to fight an internal battle that was solely meant to be faced by you. For his love is internal and infinite, so should our love for ourselves. We do not need to understand why we are like this, but rather, we should declare that we don’t deserve to be dictated by this damaging hunger.

Such a waste of a beautiful soul if you let your hook take control.

Unstable

We met.
We bond.
We got close.
We got too comfortable.

We tried.
We denied.
We continued.
We fell… Fell to our old pattern.

We rushed.
We know.
We ended.
We.. I.. I.. I miss you.

I want…
I hope…
I wish..
I pray..
But.. I don’t know..

We might be too damaged to function..

Baggage

emotional-baggage

source: havingtime

Latched on me
A seed of my brokenness
Draining the substance of my soul
Once created by myself or by others

Every ounce of my sadness.. my fears..
Controlled by the toxins you spread
Leaving holes/gaps within me
The painful masterpiece of melancholy

Inadvertently, I let you be
Ran the course through life with passivity
I let the sun rise and fall
Occupying myself with things

Tell me, is there any form of sanctuary if I keep you?
Why haven’t I dealt with you?
Open my Pandora’s box
Drain the negativity that seeps within

Be Brave

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source: pinterest

I’m scared to nurse a budding hope
I might just hurt myself
But pain.. pain is not the worst thing.. right?

Faith: to what is; to who you are
To what will become
Faith; it’s a brave thing to keep

I sometimes like being a coward
Hide behind it if I can
I intentionally drown in my uncertainty
Amuse myself with deafening music
Dance with my evils intoxicated in alcohol

But what kind of life is that?
So what if we face our past?
So what if the future is uncertain?
So what if you are unsure of yourself?

Be brave. Be brave enough to truly live.

Poison

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source: pinimg.com

Your words, they sting painfully
I question “Do you really see me?”
Or do you paint your world in it’s gory negativity
Hey, try to get out of your head and see

Pain is relative; undefined
You can make your own monsters or leave them behind
But they say, instead of fighting it
We can embrace and coexist with it

Cause you can create your own reality
And I can let your words poison me
Or I can just let it be
Because I don’t want a friend and an enemy
I intend to value what is between you and me

So if you could lay down your made-up judgement
Please stop preparing witty arguments
I do not wish to spar words with you
Establish a genuine bond – this is what I intend to do

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. —AFRICAN PROVERB”

Chapter 6 – Team Lead

Previous Chapter: Chapter 5 – Meeting

Nathaniel Cowell was wearing a suit on the first day of the project.

His messy hair was combed. His blaring head phone was nonexistent. He wore shiny black shoes. His neck tie was sleek. He wore an aftershave. Basically, his general impression was pristine. He didn’t slack nor looked unconcerned. He was present and involved. And he seemingly turned on and tuned up his charm to an unearthly level.

The change sparked new buzz amongst the gossipers. Alisa loudly professed she wanted to devour him. Olivia, on the other hand, kept her rekindled feelings to herself.

“Hi everyone! I officially welcome you all to the LeeHo Motors Account. So, for this project, we need to meet the client today… I expect the Art Director and Account Planner to attend the meeting with me…” Nathaniel was in command.

“…Chloe? Gabriel? ” Nathaniel turned his head, waiting for a response. Every member in the team was in a trance. They were too surprised to answer. They were somewhat impressed and confused with his transition.

“Oh yes… Right! Olivia should also be in that meeting, Sir” Gabriel snapped out of his trance and reply in a formal tone.

“Olivia?” Nat frowned as he quickly glanced at Olivia.

“She’s.. The Digital Artist..?”  Nat checked his notes to make sure he had mapped out his teams’ job roles correctly.

“Olivia and I usually brainstorm on the advertisement’s artistic concepts,” Chloe answered.

“As an Art Director, aren’t you solely responsible for that?” Nat asked.

“I need her creative input…” Chloe hesitated. “Sir…”

“OK. Well… Then, the initial meet up will be at Daniels by 7pm tonight. It will be a formal dinner.  Dress accordingly and be prompt.”

After disclosing that info, Nathaniel handed out materials and information about the project. He then prepped the 3 members who were expected to face the client later that night. After the meeting was adjourned, Nat came back to his desk busily typing on his laptop.

The eager gossipers took their break and indulged in the cafeteria.

Chapter 5 – Meeting

Previous Chapter: Chapter 4 – Gossips

“Hello everyone. I’m Nathaniel Cowell”.

This was the first time Nat interacted with anybody in the office. Well, the insistence from his father forced him to be in this position. He would have been comfortable assuming that “executive assistant” role for the VP in Business Development but his father changed his mind. Instead of assuming a job that only required him to “attend” meetings; his father assigned this temporary managerial task to him out of the blue. Despite his protest, he really didn’t have any choice. So he had to endure this setback from his initial plan of avoiding any interaction with this company.

“I was newly appointed to be an acting team lead for this account while James Johnson fulfills his duty in Bangkok. Once he gets back, he will resume his position in this team,” Nat licked his lips. Most of the time, he addressed the floor or the table. His voice was low, controlled and polite.

“… So for the mean time, I’d like to get oriented with the members of the project…”

Olivia frowned. It seemed to her that Nat’s diffident projection in that meeting was a contrast to his cool and unconcerned behavior for the past month.

Nat turned his head to Olivia. He was facing her general direction but he didn’t meet her eye.

“May we start our introductions..?” He smiled.

“Olivia Holmes – Digital Artist,” Olivia started. The introductions continued until everyone had spoken their roles.

“Thank you… Thank you all for that. So, the project is scheduled to start next week…” Nat continued.

“I…  Aside from the orientation, I called this meeting to prep you up. Hopefully by that time, you are all finished with your tasks from the other projects you are currently assigned. So this coming Monday, expect that we will have our first official meeting once the project starts, “A long pause ensued.

Nathaniel cleared his throat as if remembering the next thing to say. “That is all for now….,” He blurted. “Thank you… Thank you all…”

He stood up to adjourn the meeting and allowed his colleagues to say their thank you’s as they exited the conference room. Once no one else was left, he combed his messy hair and sighed. He zipped his hooded sweat shirt then wore his headphones with blaring music. He then massaged his temples, lowered his head and walked out of the office, looking more tortured and agitated than before.

Next Chapter: Chapter 6 – Team Lead

Chapter 4 – Gossips

Previous Chapter: Chapter 3 – Nonchalance

“What did he say to you?”

Alisa snapped Olivia out of her concentration. It was crunch time and she was beating a deadline. Mouth gaped; she frowned irritably at Alisa, puzzled to what she was referring to.

“We saw you talking to each other on the balcony at the party…”  Her big eyes and intolerable need for gossip was incredibly testing Olivia’s patience. She was also too near for her comfort.

Olivia inhaled and responded: “He told me the balcony was occupied and when I was about to leave he said it was OK and left the party,” Olivia’s intentional dry and concise delivery did the trick. The lack-luster discouraged Alisa to fuel this gossip as Monday’s sensational news. In defeat, she relaxed her eager composure and drew herself out of Olivia’s personal space. The crazy look in her eyes subsided. She stood up and got back to work. Olivia rolled her eyes.

A notification beep from her computer caught Olivia’s attention. She clicked on the new email.


Hi,

You will be on boarded to a new team that will handle the LeeHo Motors account. Kindly attend the meeting by 3PM today. Please be prompt.

Thanks,

Nathaniel Cowell
Team Lead

Cowell & Co. Advertising Firm

Nathaniel Cowell.. Nathaniel Cowell… Olivia’s mind drifted between her task and her curiosity. She tried recalling her past leads but she didn’t recognize the name. She resolved that maybe the company outsourced a new team lead for this new project.

Time dissolved as Olivia concentrated on finishing her task. By 2:45pm, she stood from her chair then walked towards the conference room. As she approached the conference, she noticed the new guy was sitting at the head of the table.

“Of course, Olivia finally realized.
He’s Nathaniel Cowell.

Next Chapter: Chapter 5 – Meeting