Unstable

We met.
We bond.
We got close.
We got too comfortable.

We tried.
We denied.
We continued.
We fell… Fell to our old pattern.

We rushed.
We know.
We ended.
We.. I.. I.. I miss you.

I want…
I hope…
I wish..
I pray..
But.. I don’t know..

We might be too damaged to function..

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Baggage

emotional-baggage

source: havingtime

Latched on me
A seed of my brokenness
Draining the substance of my soul
Once created by myself or by others

Every ounce of my sadness.. my fears..
Controlled by the toxins you spread
Leaving holes/gaps within me
The painful masterpiece of melancholy

Inadvertently, I let you be
Ran the course through life with passivity
I let the sun rise and fall
Occupying myself with things

Tell me, is there any form of sanctuary if I keep you?
Why haven’t I dealt with you?
Open my Pandora’s box
Drain the negativity that seeps within

Be Brave

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source: pinterest

I’m scared to nurse a budding hope
I might just hurt myself
But pain.. pain is not the worst thing.. right?

Faith: to what is; to who you are
To what will become
Faith; it’s a brave thing to keep

I sometimes like being a coward
Hide behind it if I can
I intentionally drown in my uncertainty
Amuse myself with deafening music
Dance with my evils intoxicated in alcohol

But what kind of life is that?
So what if we face our past?
So what if the future is uncertain?
So what if you are unsure of yourself?

Be brave. Be brave enough to truly live.

Poison

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source: pinimg.com

Your words, they sting painfully
I question “Do you really see me?”
Or do you paint your world in it’s gory negativity
Hey, try to get out of your head and see

Pain is relative; undefined
You can make your own monsters or leave them behind
But they say, instead of fighting it
We can embrace and coexist with it

Cause you can create your own reality
And I can let your words poison me
Or I can just let it be
Because I don’t want a friend and an enemy
I intend to value what is between you and me

So if you could lay down your made-up judgement
Please stop preparing witty arguments
I do not wish to spar words with you
Establish a genuine bond – this is what I intend to do

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you. —AFRICAN PROVERB”

Take a Hit

Into the rabbit hole I go; causing a stir to my insides
The uncertainties are intensified.
Sometimes, I don’t know why I’m here.
But I am where I am, anyway.

And I want to stay afloat,
Amidst the chaos; above the confusion
The detachment is tempting
The state of turning it all off
To not give a fuck; the idea is sublime

I worship this; this beautiful fucked up moment
Surrounded by just a millisecond of escape
I yearn for your unrealistic state
Your bliss is temporarily satisfying
Temporarily..

I hear booming music
Souls detached and I vow to myself that coldness is ideal
I am weak; I am stupid
And it’s alright for this moment

Gone are all the nonsense
Gone are all the bad things in my head
I’m flying in bliss
Temporarily..

Gone are all the nonsense
Gone are all the bad things in my head

 

In-betweens

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I hate in-betweens.
I want a direct to and fro.
I want a yes or a No.
I want you to tell me straight up.
Because right now, I’m slightly messed up.

The uncertainty is antagonizing.
I like my black and whites.
The grey parts, I tried to experience for understanding.
But man, do you comfortably play behind implied meanings.

I was never amused of that sort.
I role my eyes when my thoughts dances at possibilities.
I humor myself but halt when carried away.

So, right now tell me.
I’m impatient at this.
I want to know now.
No buts. No maybes.
Just a straight up yes or no.

Light After the Dark

Light after the dark
After the great big tunnel
I’m trembling as I move

Light after the phase
After the long awaited changes
But still my feet is stuck
So afraid to move

Me,in the phase
Trying not to look back
But I’m so at home with you
You, in the tunnel, in the dark

Light, after the scary tunnel
But still my heart beats no further
I yearned, I dreamed, I had wanted this light for so long
But my soul is so afraid of change

Light,after the dark
After the great big tunnel
Will I make it there on the other end…
Or will I stay?

Light,after the dark, after the dark
After the crash and burn and
light,after the dark,after the dark
After the confused state
Will I make it through?

Internal Affliction

I am my own tormentor.
I am my own healer.
It is I who create my own stabbing pain.
It is I who bathe myself in shame.

I am my own critic.
And yet my own advocate.
It is I who make amends
Of what I don’t know and of what I must learn;
So that I’d grow and be better, in return.

I am disreputable
And yet conscientious, at times.
I am a battle of the White and Black Wolf.
Tormented with the uncertainty.
Uneased of what might be.

I am a masochist.
And yet a pacifist with a cure.
I walk around with un-patched healing wounds,
Dreading that I might feed the catalyst of my internal war.

The Truth

you see, i did run from this for quite some time
stalling. hoping i don’t  have to face myself
and you’ve been patiently waiting on your ground
hoping i will not do anything heart wrenching

but as i run around i’ve asked, “will this be enough?”
“no. you will be enough,” i told myself
but the uncertainty grew as i tried to draw a conclusion

in the end, we slowly broke into pieces,
we stood on our respective ends
hoping one of us will give in like we used to
but we became mean, we became two strangers
while we tried to sow holes on a cloth that was turning into ashes

there were no more sunshine, but heart aches
no more stars and hopes, but heart breaks
and i stood there saying to myself this is good for me
while you stood there thinking how could this be

there are a lot of maybes at this point,
maybes time can only tell
but i say enough is enough.
if God grant me a will to control a part of my life,
I’d say no more. you are a lesson i’m openly learning
and at the same time, a fall in love i wish i’d never take again

we ended on loose ends and became terrible strangers
maybe time will heal the pain or maybe not
but i doubt time will be capable of removing the ugly truth our ending has revealed

Used

I never wanted to fall in love with him. But it seems, it was the only way to go.
His eyes dances when he laughs. His expressions are too honest to fake anything. His company is sincere. He has a good head on his shoulders. He never hovers. He never pretends.

I never wanted to fall in love with him. But it seems, it was the only way to go.
He told me straight out that he only wants my company. Not my love. Not my care. Not my humor. Just a body to forget his solitude.

I never wanted to fall in love with him. But it seems, it was the only way to go.
I could not imagine doing it any other way. He was too beatiful to pretend. I was too drawn to stop myself. But those eyes. Those eyes were always empty. Cold. Passive when it looked at me. Like I’m a vacant space. Invisible. Irrelevant.

He’d stand up and leave when his done.