Pace

Don’t get any closer.. ” Isla giggled, teasingly pushing Euan further.

His lips (the ones that she haven’t tasted yet) was forming a smirk in response. Her insides flipped as she blushed.

No.. ” His deep voice was delicious. It was a mixture of flirting and nervousness. She looked down and agreed in silence.

They were at a comfortable point in their unhurried pace. It seemed, they both understood, that rushing won’t do any good. To pursue their whirlwind emotions might overpower or mislead them.  The intoxicating mixture of excitement, newness and heady feelings might cause them to erupt into thousand consolations of pure sensual and emotional possibilities.

And this possibility can be love. It might be love. We never know.

Her constant thoughts of him, her need and want to be always near him might be love. But she feared her emotions might consume her too much that she might not function well. Or she might forget thinking about herself. Giving her whole heart to him earnestly might be putting all her happiness, all her existence to one person. And entrusting yourself that much to someone is beyond imaginable for Isla. The possibility of immense pain might be guaranteed knowing nothing will be left for herself.

So Isla smiled at Euan as their fingers almost touched. They were at their office building’s rooftop, greeting the dawn with hot coffee in hand. Their mutual want for each other was causing a delicious tingling sensation between them.

This is good. Isla cherished.
She is enough.  Euan smiled.

 

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Fatal

I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of the things it can hide. I’m afraid to face any unknown that lurk in it. I haven’t gone beyond any form of fear I can’t tolerate. Every time I need to confront a noise or possibly a bizarre appearance, I always shut my eyes till it goes away.

I hate that feeling of pain that comes with sadness. It’s a rabbit hole I never go down. A down ward spiral of misery, numbness and hopelessness, they would say. A state that could draw out any light or happiness from someone’s fragile beating heart. Down, down, down, it would go. But I would always stop myself. When my father died and that feeling started to creep on me, I ran till my lungs burn. I laughed until I forgot what happened.

I had never experienced too much happiness. I couldn’t figure out what would make someone divinely  blissful, anyway. I couldn’t imagine what my state would be after I am too elated. I had no idea what will make of me after my heart burst of over joy.

I was safe within the confinements of my boundaries. I was in control with what I felt.

Until I met you.

I was in a party, lightly buzzed. When I was about to start my internal debate of whether I had pushed myself too far, you came into view and started a conversation. I looked up to into your eyes and I wanted to turn the other way and run. The sensation that you ignited within me was beyond tolerable.  A mixture of fear, anxiety and curiosity, almost convulsed from my beating heart. You had to understand. I had all my emotions controlled before I saw you. Before I looked into your eyes.

Your eyes… Your eyes…

1 year, 3 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 2 hours later: you had me at your disposal. In your hand was my heart,  beating but.. about to be broken.

I forgot all my efforts to stay away from anything I was afraid of while I was with you. I forgot to keep my walls up. I forgot to be bounded within my confinements. I forgot I didn’t want to know how it feels to die.

And not just a little.. A life changing, wrenching, soul numbing death. I didn’t knew I had it coming.

I looked you in the eye. Your tear-soaked eyes. You were shivering . You’re breathe were short, rough as if gasping for life. You then looked unto your hand where my heart was. Beating. Slowly and heavily.

You closed your palms and crushed it.

Almost

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We don’t know it yet but sometimes, we are just part of someone else’s journey.

We ended up thinking we are more than that. They ended up believing we’re more than that. He ended up wanting us to be more. I, on the other hand, just stared out of the coffee shop window.

I began to see it now. The possibly weak connection. The fleeting excitement of romance. And that too much investment on that chance.. That chance..

But what if he was just a lesson I needed to learn? What if I’m just a mistake he needed to do?

What if we were aware of what we were but kept going. We didn’t listen to reality. We didn’t allow ourselves to fully pay attention of what was really going on.. Because we can’t Because we won’t.

Well, thank god for experience, though. I guess. Because those wonders will remain what ifs. I’ve done that. I’ve taken that path. And I have a principle: to only live an experience and never again once the lesson is learned.

So, he leaned forward, eyes teary and pleading.

Please..” was the word that came from his muffled voice.

We were to decide. I were to decide.

No…” was my feeble reply.

I got up and walked away, never looking back.

No one ran after me. No one stopped me.

Someday, I’ll have the courage to face and understand this again. Him again. This whole thing, perhaps. But right now, I just need to stop myself from repeating something obvious.

Reckless

“Sarcasm is my defense mechanism” She quipped.
“I noticed.” He grinned. She turned her head and looked into his eyes.
“So tell me, why are we doing this? “ she teasingly asked.
“We are doing this, “ he starts undressing, “to make amends of what damage heart break did to us.”
“And how will this help?” She intended to back off but his hands was fast.
“This..” he started kissing “will.. “ the kiss deepened “help us forget..”
The conversation ended with movements in the dark.

Desire

Juan looked at her with lustful eyes. He suppressed a moan when he peeked her breast. Supple. She was succulent for him. She was enough.

Before he could take a step, his morals kicked in. He was a family man with a beautiful boy. A boy who had big blue eyes. Eyes so blue, it held all the innocence in the world. He felt ashamed when he realized this.

As he was about to retreat, the girl coincidentally walked in front of him. He caught a whiff of her sweet scent. Lust revived his need. He stared at her discreetly. He stared at her round buttocks. He gawked at her fair skin. He wanted her luscious pink lips.

Juan silently followed behind her. He walked with light steps. And when they were isolated in a dark alley, he grabbed her into a corner. He indulged himself with his wicked intentions.

A crime was silently committed.

“Rape is the only crime in which the victim becomes the accused.” – Freda Adler

Too Passive

It was 3AM. I came outside to do an errand. One of our neighbor’s car was parked outside of our unit. It looked odd that all of its lights were on and all of its windows were rolled up. I felt irked as I checked if its fumes exhausted smoke. I glanced at the back. It seemed there were no smoke coming out from it. Was that a good or a bad thing? I couldn’t tell.

I wondered if someone was inside that car. Or was it left like that by mistake? Did they purposefuly left the car to run in to get something then come back minutes after? I was too curious but I didn’t want to seem to pry. So, I went about with my business which was getting the laundries I air dyred. I passed by throwing curious glances at the car but never hovered. When I was done, I glanced for one last time before geting into the house.

*******************************************************************

The next day, I found out that someone took their life in that car. They said, he died minutes after I was running my errand.

A sick, cold feeling came over me. Guilt and an inkling feeling of horror struck me rooted on my spot. I was too shock to function. I could have done something. But now, I felt like I was an accessory to that self inflicted murder. To me, my passitivity has caused death.

Low Self-Esteem

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Tonight was the night.

A feeling was encouraging Niki to be next to him. It pushed her to make rounds, be loud and be crazy. That feeling was never a sturdy esctacy. Most of the time, it was a potent mixture of bitter bile that heavily weighed in her chest. It bothered her too much to be happy.

But, not tonight. Tonight, she was about to make a change. Tonight, that very miserable feeling will permanently become an exhalirating state of run arounds, girl bonding, best outfits and praises of popularity. Her girls will no longer give her belittleng comments. Her clique will no longer throw condascending looks. They will no longer blurt out harsh rejection.

Her eyes were fixiated on him. He licked his lips as she came closer. He coaxed and lounged on his side. He anticipated in hooded lustful eyes.

Her friends watched from afar. They gave her mocked encouraging stares. They were too giddy to get this part over with. For them, this was not the highlight of the show, anyway.

When she came near, she brushed her fingers on his shoulders. She day dreamed her walk of fame tomorrow down their school halls as she looked into his eyes. She pictured her girls were squealing with excitement because they CANNOT believe the crazy thing she just did last night. They’d gawk at her cool outfit. They’d praise her for getting the guy.

She raised her skirt while she glimpsed at her friends, making sure their watching. They giggled, in reply. For her, the night was turning into an exciting intoxicated memory. A misdirected courage was running through her blood stream. She smiled then leaned closer to him. He instantly grabbed him by her rear, sucking her face. After that, everything became a too disoriented sexual session for her to keep with.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

She woke up in his bed naked. She panicked because: (1) she didn’t plan on going this far and (2) she was then a virgin. She checked her phone for the time. Then, she checked her IG and Facebook out of routine.

The horrid pictures of herself gave her a state of shock. It was splashed all over her profile for everyone to see. The shamelessness. The vulgarity. The disgust. The graphic sexual torture. Her girls’ satisfied snickers in the pictures. Everyone elses’ hammered/sober dissaprovign stares. The harsh reality.

Her hands shook. She was too embarrassed to get out from a stranger’s bed. The feeling that had drove her to do such things now turned into a pang of pain too agonizing to bare. She sobbed as her complexion became pale. She was shivering. It was all too much to take in. She needed her mother but how could anyone comfort her now. How could anyone come near her.

Her chest heaved grasping for air. She curled up into a ball. She rocked back and forth as she tried to understand why they would do this to her. She wanted to understand what was going on. Everything was too traumatic and too confusing. She wanted it all to go away. She wanted to shut her emotions. To stay still and take it all back. But the pain pierced through her chest like stabbing knives tearing her flesh. And she didn’t have the dignity to remove it. Out of guilt or shame, a strong desire crawled into her thoughts. At this very desperate state, this desire seemed like the only way to stop this pain. To prevent her from facing the world.

It seemed, she thought as she heavily sobbed and shivered, that death was the only way. It was the only way.. She thought. It was the only way. How could anyone recover from this. How could they.. How could they..

She looked around, trying to find anything to stop the stabbing pain in her chest that seared into her being. There was no point anymore. Nothing was left. Nothing. She mustered the strength to walk towards the bathroom, still sobbing.

Then, her mom called.

The Play: God, Man and the Devil

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There was once a story of three beings: the God, the Man and the Devil. The three of them lived in one space called universe where they can interact with each other. Interrelating these three beings is a powerful stream of unstoppable and unchangeable force called time. Time does not rule over on anyone of them but they all anticipated it’s every change. Every aspect of the events that happens in the span of their existence is dependent on this thing called time.

How they regarded each other and how they projected themselves are directly reflective to their intentions. Their intentions were like the outlines of their embodiment. God’s intentions were favorable for all of them and in contrast, the Devil’s intentions were only complimentary for himself. But Man was not as decided as the other beings. He wasn’t sure of what his intentions were and on what grounds were the basis of it.

Since Man was the only one who was the most uncertain amongst the bunch, God and Devil thought of revealing their intentions to him. They provided him the freedom of broadening the basis of his intentions from the mere contents of their embodiments. With his freedom of choosing, the boundaries of Man’s intentions were confined between God’s opinion and the Devil’s. The to and fro of intentions between the three beings kept generating these conclusions that agreed to the continuous stream of time and to the significance of the universe. And on those moments, all was well.

But a knot in the flow, an unexpected event happened. While the three beings were immersed in their exchange, something grew in Man that somehow became a reference for his decisions. It somehow existed in his mind and he then called it knowledge. He detached himself from the other beings and fervently followed whatever knowledge dictates. It was his source of his decisions and the reason of his every intention.

Eventually, how the time flowed became unnoticeable through the continuum of the universe. The two beings began to ignore how infinitely black the universe is. They began to watch as Man walked his own path with his righteous manner. The Devil agreed to this selfishness which became the seed of the growing tree of knowledge planted inside Man’s being. Man’s every intentions were painted with thoughts that must be favorable to himself. The Devil tipped his hat to the familiarity and likeness that was reeking out from Man. God talked endlessly to Man’s ears but his words gets drowned by Man’s thoughts.

While time ran its course, the Devil became irritated with Man’s progress. Man only seeks validation with his knowledge to overwhelm everyone else’s existences. Because Man was ignoring his boundaries, the Devil competed with him to regain his rightful space. But God sat on his corner in the universe while he witnessed this banter. No longer his intentions were heard as his space in the universe became smaller and smaller. Long gone was the importance of time. Long gone was the point of acknowledging all aspects of the universe. As God looked at the Devil and the Man wrecking havoc through the universe, he pondered as to what was Man’s point. He pondered why initially; Man existed as an undecided entity.

Man was suppose to be vague and he didn’t get it. He wasn’t suppose to glorify himself,Time paused to answer God’s curiosity.

Man was supposed to co-exist. He was supposed to be in the middle. He was supposed to be the way between you and the Devil. His intentions, his embodiment wasn’t supposed to matter as his essence greatly came from both of you. He was suppose to maintain a balance within himself acknowledging every entity in the universe. He was supposed to be the solute to all of our existence. That little detail that needs to exist so I could continually stream through. But because of Man, my flow will stop one day. And the universe? From  being everything, eventually, it will become nothing.”

Flirty

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They were at it again. Greeting the dawn with a cold beer in hand while sitting opposite a small table. They would spend hours completely engrossed on their random discussion of anything technical: finance, program bottlenecks and what nots. It was always like that. They kept the topic light. They also kept a good amount of space in between them to call it friendly but a delicious chemistry was budding. And for her, it was causing a stir.

“Tell me something”, she interjected in an offbeat manner. She paused then bit her lower lip self-consciously. “How do you see me?”

The question caught him of guard. The smile from his face weakened. He quickly cast his eyes down then looked into hers. He swallowed, shrugs then awkwardly scratches the back of his neck. “You’re cool, I guess.” His tone suggesting to drop the topic. He feel quiet. As a response, she gave an embarrassed smile.  OK. That was awkward.

She shrugged the moment off then changed the topic with analytics. His engrossed and lively mood came back. He was again animated and thoroughly discussed the cons.

Any technical topic excites him. She thought. ANYTHING that is NOTHING remotely close to romance gets him talking. ANYTHING but romance.  She bit her lips again as her thoughts wandered off to this curious observation.

While talking, he unconsciously lay his eyes on her lips. His stare lingered as he fell silent. She was too lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice. It came to her attention when she snapped out from her reverie. To cut the trance, she combed her hair and smiled . When he too came to his senses, he mimicked her then licked his lips.  They fell silent again. She took a long swig of her beer. The cold liquid trickled down her throat.

Her eyes unintentionally fell to his biceps. Then, it ran to his chest.

God dammit. She thought. This guy is delicious. This is torture. This is just torture.

“I’m just gonna use the bathroom”, she got unto her feet then walked. While in the ladies’ room, she splashed cold water and exhaled. She concluded that if she keeps getting these feelings and get ignored like that, then she’s not gonna have these sessions with him anymore.

With this resolve, she walked towards their table wearing a self-satisfied smirk. He turned his head and looked at her while drinking his beer. His eyes flickered from her breast to her legs, passively checking her out. Then, he turned his head to the opposite direction as if nothing happened. But she saw that. She cocked her head as she tried to re-examine if it was just her imagination or did he really checked her out.

Hours later, their session turned to slurs and blurred perception. They were more unguarded and are highly intoxicated of alcohol. Their session continued with a cold breeze and loud fits of laughter. Without realizing it, there distance grew smaller. Their awkwardness was replaced with random light touches. Her eyes watered from a funny joke he just said. While he grinned from ear to ear, satisfied with her reaction.

” It’s getting late”, She realized while checking her clock. The colors of the sky turned from slightly dark to light hues of blue.

” Yeah”, He replied. Their laughter died down to a mutual silence. They looked around the restaurant. They were the only customer left. They called the waiter for their bill.

” Are you still ok? Can you manage? Here, let me grab you a cab”, He offered while getting up. She nodded and blushed. Then, they walked to the sidewalk. He raised his hands to hail a cab. Minutes later, a car parked in front of them.

“Thanks,” She turned her head and smiled before climbing in.

“Till next time,” He smiled. She nodded then got in. As the cab drove away, she looked back to him. The outlines of his figure became smaller. She grinned as confusing emotions flooded her intoxicated state. As always, she couldn’t read their sessions properly. She bit her lip as she recalled the night.